Fates parallel vol 2, p.22
Fates Parallel Vol. 2, page 22
"Of course we do! We’re just good at pretending!"
"That’s not true!"
"Name one good thing about us!"
Jia tried, but her mind went blank the moment she tried to think about herself. The only self-identification she had was the homeless thief from Nayeong—and that hadn’t even been her home town. Hadn’t her first reaction to her own prettied-up appearance been rejection? There had to be something.
Before she realized it, Jia had completely focused her thoughts inward and begun meditating. She wasn’t meditating with the goal of gathering essence, but instead focusing on the trance-like state of thoughtlessness. While it was the same thing in practice, the feeling was entirely different.
Jia’s domain shrunk inwards, rather than expanding outwards to collect as much mana as possible, she instead used it to focus on herself and the way her spiritual essence circulated through her. Since her cultivation had become unified, there was no longer quite so distinct a separation between her qi, ki, and mana. Likewise, she couldn’t very well focus on just her mind, body, or soul—they were all her.
In that moment, as she focused on her entire being, she felt as if she was both Jia and Yoshika at the same time—but not Eui. She felt the loss of her connection more strongly than ever—the pain of their separation as visceral as it had been the moment they’d been torn apart, for all that it wasn’t physical. She felt acutely that she was incomplete—but not just because of her separation from Eui.
Through her meditation, she understood that her domain was only half-formed, but it wasn’t a problem with the domain itself. Her domain was an extension of herself—the imposition of that self upon the world around her. It wasn’t just that everything within her domain was hers, everything within her domain was her. So it wasn’t the domain that was incomplete, but the sense of self that it represented.
What did it mean to be Jia? To be Eui? To be Yoshika? She couldn’t answer all of those questions by herself, but the first—the first could only be answered by herself. Jia had refused to answer it before—avoided the question entirely, or tried to get others to answer it for her. She had been as naive as everyone had always accused her of.
Did she love herself? No. The answer came easily to her in this state, as much as it pained her. She had things she was proud of—her talent in cultivation, her friendships, and the freedom she had earned with her own hands. Yet, there were others more talented than her, she had repeatedly failed her friends—most especially An Eui—and her freedom had come at the cost of a betrayal that she could never forgive herself for.
It became more obvious, as Jia thought about it, that she had more in common with Eui than she realized. When Jia had first experienced the intrusive thoughts that came as a result of sharing Eui’s memories, it had been easy to write them off as foreign—just a product of Eui’s depression reflected in her own head. But they had never truly been Eui’s thoughts at all. They were influenced by Eui’s thoughts and memories, but from the very beginning, it had always been Jia’s own uncertainty and fear expressing itself in Eui’s voice. She had been terrified of Eui at first—and even more horrified when she learned of her past—but it was easier to pretend that she wasn’t.
When she had forgiven Eunae, she wanted nothing more than to run away and never see the princess again. She had discounted her fears as being a result of Eui’s prejudice, but they had been real, and they had been her own. Eunae had subverted her mind! Threatened to strip away the same freedom she was so proud and guilty of. How could she ever forgive something like that? The simple answer was that she hadn’t, even now.
Time and again, over and over, Jia lied to herself. Pretended that things were okay when they weren’t. She lied to herself thinking that one day the lies would become real, but they never did. They just piled on top of each other until Jia could no longer tell the difference between the lies and reality.
Did she love herself? What a ridiculous question—of course not! She hated herself so much that she had to build up a fake version of herself just to tolerate her own existence. It was no wonder her domain wasted so much mana—you couldn’t cultivate a false self. Now the mask was cracking, and people were starting to notice. Lee Jia was terrified of what she would find beneath it, but she understood now that she couldn’t hide behind it any longer. She also understood that this was neither the time nor place to shed it entirely.
Knowing what she had to do, and having reconciled with the fact that the voices in her head were her own, Jia returned her breathing to normal and allowed her domain to spread back out naturally. Opening her eyes, she saw Dae poring over some book or scroll, his brows furrowed in concentration.
She giggled in spite of herself—he really was quite cute when he was focused so intently like that. Dae’s head jerked up in surprise at the sound, and he smiled brightly when he saw that Jia was alright.
"Miss Lee! Thank the ancestors! Is everything alright now? Did it work?"
Jia nodded, smiling.
"A little too well, if anything, but I suppose it was overdue. Thank you Dae. For everything."
Dae blushed and averted his eyes, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly as his tail waved back and forth happily.
"Ehehe, o-of course, Miss Lee. Happy to help!"
Jia looked at the research materials she had gathered. Her head was still a bit of a mess, and she didn’t think that she was likely to get any productive studying done today. It would be a waste not to make use of them, though.
"Dae, can I ask a favor?"
"Of course, Miss Lee!"
Eager as ever—Jia felt a little bit bad for taking advantage of his feelings, but pressed on anyway.
"I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind to research these, but they’re really important. Do you suppose I could trouble you to look into it for me?"
Dae looked hesitant for a moment, before shrugging.
"Well I might have already taken a small peek while you were meditating, hehe. Why are you doing research on demonic vampirism?"
"That’s a bit of a secret, but you’re a very smart boy so I’ll let you come to your own conclusions. It might help me sort out a cultivation bottleneck."
Dae frowned at that, but after a moment of staring down at the assortment of tomes, scrolls, and jade slips he sighed and nodded.
"Very well, I suppose just this once won’t harm anything, as long as you’re not planning on practicing it. Are you certain you’re feeling alright, Miss Lee?"
Jia covered her mouth with a sleeve as she laughed a little harder than she meant to at the question.
"Hahaha, thank you Dae. It’s sweet of you to be concerned."
Dae blushed bright red for a moment before frowning.
"Um, t-that wasn’t an answer..."
Jia stood up and smiled as she approached Dae, before giving him a quick gentle kiss on the cheek.
"No, it wasn’t. Sorry, Dae, but I have to go get revenge on a troublesome roommate."
Jia turned and left, leaving a petrified Dae behind as he stood in stunned silence, unable to respond.
As she left the archive, Jia’s expression was serene, even though her thoughts were in turmoil. She had learned Eui’s lesson and then some. Now she had to return home to show her appreciation.
* * *
As Lee Jia walked the academy streets on the way back home, she felt every glance that came her way. Logically, she knew that it was because she wasn’t wearing a uniform—most students did, even if it wasn’t strictly mandated, so her casual dress stood out—but even so, it felt as if the crowd was staring at her, silently judging.
Jia was not at all happy with her newfound self-awareness. Every moment she found more silly paradoxes in her behavior, or realized the ways in which she had treated others poorly as a result of her willful ignorance. That was probably the lesson Eui had wanted her to learn—if not quite the way she had intended. Jia knew she had needed it, but ironically that same self-awareness meant that she could admit that she hadn’t wanted it, and still didn’t.
Unfortunately—or perhaps fortunately—it was a door that could not be closed again, once opened. Jia had no idea how to feel. She was upset about having such a harsh lesson thrust upon her, pleased that she might have uncovered part of the mystery behind her cultivation bottleneck, annoyed with Eui, while at the same time being grateful to her. She didn’t know what she was going to say to Eui when she got home, but she had a feeling it would be strongly worded. As she approached the dorm, she ran into the last person she wanted to see. Yan Yue spotted her approach and greeted her with a bow.
"Ah, you’re back! I w—"
"Don’t talk! Not a single sound, or I swear by my ancestors I will try to kill you where you stand. I am not in the mood for this, Yan Yue."
Lee Jia extended her domain and carefully observed her surroundings. There was no sign that she was in an illusion, so she instead focused her attention on Yan Yue. She would have preferred to have Eunae here rather than face Yue alone. Holding her hands up defensively, Yue waved a small letter in one of her hands.
"I thought you might say that, so I prepared a letter. Eui wouldn’t even—"
Jia activated her noxious aura, focusing its effect on Yan Yue as she approached. Yue’s eyes widened and she dropped to her knees, desperately covering her mouth as she retched. Jia was a bit surprised at how dramatic the reaction was—her aura shouldn’t have been that powerful.
"Did you think I was joking!? I do not want to see your face right now! I’m surprised that Eui didn’t stab you in the neck, and honestly? Also a bit disappointed."
Jia snatched the letter out of Yan Yue’s hand as she walked past. The only things keeping her from attacking outright were the fact that Yan Yue’s voice hadn’t been infused with qi, and the fact that she wasn’t entirely confident that she’d be able to win. Yue stood, schooling her expression somewhat, though she was still under the aura’s effect.
"No need to be so upset, Jia. I think you’ll find that it’s good news."
Lee Jia felt a surge of anger, and nearly screamed at Yan Yue, but held herself back and spoke in an icy tone instead.
"You held us prisoner in our own bodies, Yue. Yesterday! It’s going to take a little while longer before we can pretend to be friendly, alright? It doesn’t come quite so naturally to some of us."
Yan Yue seemed cowed by her accusation, but Lee Jia felt no vindication from it. Instead she felt sickened by her own hypocrisy. On any other day, pretending to be friendly was exactly what Jia would be doing.
"I suppose not. I’ll leave you alone, then. The makeup suits you, by the way—Eui did an excellent job."
Lee Jia scoffed, now feeling even more compelled to wash off the makeup and get changed. She left Yue behind and returned home, making sure the door was closed before cursing herself for forgetting that Yue still had the key. She tossed the letter aside to read later, and found Eui reading quietly in the living area. Eui looked up with a grin as she stood to greet Jia.
"Welcome home! So, how was your little date with—"
Jia’s hand moved before she could think, cutting Eui off with an open-palm slap across the face. Eui held a hand up to her face with a shocked and hurt expression, as Jia stared dumbfounded at her own hand.
"I—I’m sorry—"
Eui held up a hand to cut off Jia’s apology.
"No, it’s fine. I—I probably deserved that."
Eui’s expression was downcast, and she began to turn away.
"Eui, wait, I—"
Jia reached out to stop her, but Eui shrugged off her hand.
"We’ll talk later, okay? I just—I need a moment."
Before Jia could respond, Eui retreated to the bedroom. Jia collapsed onto a couch and buried her face in her hands.
Why had she done that?
22. Expression
Jia lay on the couch feeling miserable. The day had started so well—except for the part where she had woken up on the edge of an essence deviation. She’d gotten to try Eui’s home cooking—which had been amazing—and she could begrudgingly admit that it had been fun to have her hair and makeup done by Eui. Things had taken a decidedly downhill turn from there, though.
The accumulated stress of the day had built up, and as a result, Jia had lashed out at the only person in the world that she could trust implicitly. She hadn’t wanted to hit Eui—or rather, she had, but she hadn’t meant to actually do it. Her hand had moved before her mind could catch up, and now it was too late to take it back.
She wanted to apologize, but she knew that Eui would need a bit of space. For that matter, so did she—the feelings that had led to the slap hadn’t exactly gone away, as cathartic as it had been. Rather than sit and brood on it, Jia decided to take a look at that letter Yan Yue had given her.
For just a moment, Jia thought about blaming Yue for everything that had happened—but that felt too cheap. Perhaps when the day had begun, Jia might still have gone with that, but she couldn’t keep blaming others for her own shortcomings—not if she had any intention of overcoming them.
Opening the letter, Jia found that Yue’s handwriting was almost as impeccable as Dae’s. In fact, it had a certain artistic quality to the brushstrokes that made the small imperfections seem intentional. The things nobles wasted their time on—Jia read the letter:
Jia and Eui, you’ll be pleased to know that in light of your closer-than-expected association with Hayakawa Kaede, Zheng Long has agreed that you are too valuable as assets and too high profile to be disposed of. It took a lot of convincing on my part, and Han Yu is spitting mad, but you have your freedom, for now.
I hope you understand the risks I have taken on this. I’m certain that our animosity will not be so easily forgotten, but please understand that I acted in what I thought was in my best interests. I’d like to arrange a schedule for our little mountain expedition play at your convenience—you know how to find me.
— YY
P.S. You really should reconsider your association with Seong Eunae. Nothing good will come of it. Best of luck, and please destroy this missive when you’re finished with it.
Jia stared flatly at the letter before heaving a sigh and tossing it in the fire. The nerve of that girl! Was her arrogance a product of being older, being noble, or being from Qin? Probably all three. Lee Jia had no intention of associating any further with Yan Yue until she had learned how to resist spiritual attacks—the girl had thoroughly proven that she could not be trusted.
She sat there for a moment, staring at the fire, without even really thinking. She had to apologize to Eui—she knew it was going to eat away at her until she did. Jia stood silently in front of the bedroom door for minutes before working up the courage to knock. There was no response, and after a few moments of hesitation, Jia entered anyway.
Eui was sitting on her bed with her legs drawn up to her chest, and her face buried in her knees. It reminded Jia of the first time they’d met, in exactly the same places, and Eui in the same pose. She brushed her fingers nostalgically across the small notch in the door where Eui’s knife had stuck into it. Eui didn’t throw a knife at her, this time—or react to her presence at all. Jia closed the door behind her and went to sit on the bed next to Eui. Jia leaned into her a bit as she spoke.
"I’m sorry, Eui."
She didn’t say anything else—no amount of justification could excuse her behavior, and she didn’t want it excused. They sat there in silence for nearly a minute before Eui finally responded.
"Me too."
Eui didn’t elaborate, nor did Jia didn’t ask her to. They had both said and done things that they regretted, and they had expressed that regret. Jia forgave Eui for her mistakes, and trusted Eui to do the same for her.
"I think I learned a bit more about myself from that lesson than I was ready for."
Eui drew her legs tighter against her chest.
"Sorry."
Jia shook her head and leaned a little harder into Eui.
"You already said that. It’s not your fault anyway. I was—I’m not very honest with myself. You wanted me to learn some self-awareness, but that meant confronting all the lies I constantly tell myself."
"That wasn’t—it wasn’t really self-awareness I was going for. I wanted to boost your self-confidence Jia. You’re so strong and capable—and b-beautiful—I just wanted you to see in the mirror what I see every day."
Self-confidence. Jia felt like an idiot as she drew her own knees up in a mirror of Eui’s pose. In hindsight, that was a much more obvious goal than the intense self-reflection that Jia had undergone. She’d spent too much time around Qin nobles if she was reading so far into other people’s intentions. Just one more thing to apologize for.
"I don’t know if I really am that person, Eui. I don’t know that I’m not, either. I’ve spent such a long time pretending—I don’t even know who I am anymore. What do I really want? How do I really feel? Everything you’ve seen is just a shallow, hollow mask. The only thing I know about the person underneath is that—I don’t think I like her very much."
"That’s not true, Jia. For anyone else, maybe, but I know that I’ve seen the real you. You can hide who you are from the world, maybe even yourself, but not from me. Don’t forget, Jia, that we have literally been the same person before. It’s not the mask that I fell in love with."
Jia felt her eyes beginning to tear up as Eui boldly reaffirmed her feelings. She wanted to live up to those expectations, but she wasn’t sure that she could. Worse, she still couldn’t be sure that she was capable of returning Eui’s feelings.
Did she love Eui? Absolutely, unequivocally, yes. It was one of the few things she could be certain of, and a surprising weight off her shoulders to be able to admit. Yet, she wasn’t sure if it was that kind of love. She had loved Lee Jung, but that was like a mother or a sister, and she had no other relationships she could compare her feelings to.
